Keagan

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 05:52:02 GMT

As soon as I entered school is when it started; I never made friends as well as everyone else because I was so unsure of myself because I was either (1) being made fun of for wanting to play with the boys or (2) withdrawn because I was never good at being a girl and I knew it and I knew everyone else knew it. So I had one best friend and that was pretty much it.
When puberty hit is when it all went to even further shit--my best friend moved away and I had no one, and worst of all I was turning into something I hated so fucking much that I made a point of self-injuring my chest every single day. I was made fun of every day for either being gay or wanting a sex change and I wanted to kill myself. I had no friends and I didn't know how to make any because the way I wanted to encounter the world wasn't the way I was allowed to. I resorted to online-only friendships because those people couldn't see the worst parts of me, and finally I felt accepted.
Through one online relationship, I decided to move out of my hell into California with Meghan, a mother who is 7 years older than me and was married at the time. I was 17, didn't understand the world, and was completely intoxicated with the idea of someone loving me unconditionally so we fell so in love that her marriage broke up, she came out as lesbian, and everything just got fucked up. I was still miserable in my body so much so that I couldn't handle working a regular job and I couldn't support myself. I moved back to Michigan, Meghan cheated on me and we broke up, and I was back in the shitter.
By now society had reached a point where it wasn't as big of a deal for a 19 year old girl to dress in boy's clothes and I didn't get blatantly made fun of anymore...but you know how being an adult is. You know everyone is talking shit, you just never blatantly hear it. So I was a little more successful, with a well-paying job, a 4.0 in college, and a few good friends...but I was still miserable.
Then I got into the u of mn and everything fell apart. I got fired from my job for that reason (seriously), I was cheated on by the only other girl I had opened up to, and I finally came to the realization that I wasn't just gay.
So I moved, got back together with Cheyenne, and fully came out. And over time I've gotten happier and healthier and blah fucking blah. And I've been INSANELY busy with 2 jobs and school, so even when Cheyenne cheated again it didn't really matter that we broke up because I had so much going on I could barely see straight, much less stop to think. I had friends through work...life was great.
And now everyone, including from my job (because it's a one year program) is moving away and I'm all alone and I'm beginning to feel like a total social loser.
I mean...I guess I like being by myself but I would love to feel like if something happened to me, someone would notice. Besides having a roommate (which doesn't count), I could go missing and no one would notice. No one would care. My family doesn't want me and I have no friends. I mean...I have friends, but only the ones that are friends to me out of pity. I always have to initiate every encounter we have. I would kill for the feeling of knowing that someone likes me enough to actively seek out my company all on their own.
It's all because I've spent my entire life with stunted social abilities because I was so preoccupied with my own self-hatred and desire to be the opposite of what everyone wanted to be, and because now I can't move past expecting people will always think so little of me that I just get awkward. Or...I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. I'm completely clueless and I'm angry because I feel like as a near 22 year old person I should have mastered social interactions by now...and I haven't.
I'm sick of being trans. I'm sick of knowing what that has meant for me, and what it continues to mean for me. I just want to be happy, and I feel like I'm chasing an imaginary dream. I suck at being a girl and (granted I know it's only been a year of even knowing I'm trans) I don't know how to be a boy, and I feel like I disqualify as a person for everything that I am.

I'm sick of feeling like I have nothing and no one to rant to other than a fucking url. I'm a PERSON and I want to feel like one. I want someone to hug me when they know I'm hurting or genuinely desire to be around me. I don't understand why everything has to be this way for me.

What We Had Was Gold--Now, Tarnished and Old

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 17:33:09 GMT

5 months. No huge changed to report other than I changed my dose back to 60mg every other week because it didn't change what we had hoped for and it was wasteful to use a needle and syringe every week for such a small amount.

I keep meaning to write something in here and get out all of this negative energy that I've been keeping pent up inside me but I'm so fucking busy it's ridiculous. At least it's the last week of school and I'll be free next week. I just want to be practically braindead with minimal responsibilities over the summer. After 5 years of nonstop full time school and work I feel like I deserve it.

Fool, Thinking You Could Make a Man Out of Me

Sat, 23 May 2009 20:23:14 GMT

4.5 Months.

Dosage: 30mg every week via intramuscular injection

Hair: Facial hair is there, but not nearly enough to do anything with, if you know what I mean. I’m also just getting hairier. It’s weird.

Acne: Relatively sucky. I got some medicine for it from the doc that’s been helping, but the acne comes where I’m about to get hair so there’s not much that’s going to keep it away until the facial hair comes in.

Face: Not sure. I can’t tell if it’s changed.

Voice: Super deep. Watch my latest video.

Musculature: DEFINITELY way more mucle capacity and definition, and they’re just more dense.

Chest: No noticeable change.

Midsection: Definitely getting a dad-gut. Not happy. :O

Other Body Aspects: No change(s).

Height: 5' 3"

Weight: 155—BAD!

Waist: 32"

Skin: No change from last time.

Period: Gone!

Sex Drive: Consistent. I’m used to it.

Energy: I’ve been really tired lately. I don’t like it.

Appetite: Back to normal, but I definitely feel as hungry as a teenage boy for like a day after I do my shot.

Mood: Incredibly more irritable and angry. I haven’t necessarily acted out on any of it towards other people but it’s definitely destructive to myself, if that makes sense.

Other: I’m putting on weight. I thought I was clear of that side effect since it didn’t happen for awhile, but I guess not. :( But I’ve already been working out more and such so whatever.

Stuff you may not care to read about: Definitely bigger down in the pants.

Yup.

3 Months on Testosterone

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 00:16:27 GMT

It’s been awhile. Sorry!

Dosage: 60mg every 2 weeks (subject to change) via intramuscular injection

Hair: No loss of hair, but I’m getting more hair on my legs and arms and it’s darker and coarser. I also noticed some hair in the sideburn area today. Score!

Acne: It’s been sucky, but not horrible. Fairly controllable, and though it does suck a lot, it’s par for the course.

Face: Maybe minimal change, but I haven’t noticed anything too strong for a while.

Voice: Wayyyyyy deeper than the last update. Check out my videos!

Musculature: My muscles are definitely more dense, and I feel like I’ve been a little stronger, but it’s hard to quantify.

Chest: No noticeable change.

Midsection: No noticeable change.

Other Body Aspects: No change(s).

Height: 5' 3"

Weight: 145

Waist: 32"

Skin: Coarser, if that makes sense.

Period: N/A. I’m beginning to think it’s gone forever!

Sex Drive: Through the roof.

Energy: It’s been weird. I’ve been really tired a lot lately, but I’ve been sick so it’s hard to say if my energy levels have changed.

Appetite: It’s not nearly as bad as when I first started T, thank GOD.

Mood: Not as bad anymore, but I still have pretty significant and noticeable roid rage.

Other: Nothing that I can think of at the moment.

Stuff you may not care to read about: No real changes here.

Yup.

Week 6 on Testosterone

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 04:45:16 GMT

Dosage: 60mg every 30 days (subject to change) via intramuscular injection

Hair: No change from the last update.

Acne: Not nearly as bad as last week. I have acne on my throat, though, which is weird.

Face: I can't notice any change.

Voice: Definitely continuing to get lower.

Musculature: No noticeable change.

Chest: I noticed the other day that I felt like my chest isn't as full as it was before. I can't tell if it's just me wanting it to be that way, though.

Midsection: Yeah, my stomach is still getting bigger. Not a HUGE amount, but... it's annoying.

Other Body Aspects: None that I can really think of, so none that really stick out a lot, I guess.

Height: No noticeable change.

Weight: No change. Still at around 140-145.

Waist: I feel like it fluctuates a lot, but I can't tell.

Skin: Beyond the acne, no noticeable change.

Period: Not returning, and hopefully it never will!

Sex Drive: Through the roof. I keep thinking it can't get any worse...and then it does.

Energy: I've been incredibly exhausted and just...lackluster lately. It sucks. I desperately need more energy, but it seems like everything I do just makes me more tired.

Appetite: I definitely feel like it's hitting a plateau, and/or I'm becoming more cognizant of it and therefore not letting it get to me.

Mood: No real big change.

Other: Now that my stomach is starting to gain all of the weight from other areas and my body fat is redistributing, I've decided to cut out the junk out of my diet. I'm a small guy, so I could get away with it before, but it just doesn't feel like it's a good idea anymore. So hopefully it helps.

Stuff you may not care to read about:

Still super sensitive, still getting bigger. And the weird part is that I never thought I'd want that. Like, I thought that dick growth would be one of the things I wouldn't want, but now that it's happening it kind of rules.

Week 5 on Testosterone

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 04:35:28 GMT

5 weeks. I know I didn't do a 4 week update, but I've been too busy. Plus there weren't really any major changes.

Dosage: 60mg every 30 days (subject to change) via intramuscular injection

Hair: No change from the last update.

Acne: Yes. It sucks.

Face: No change from the last update.

Voice: Definitely lower. It fluctuates throughout the day, but even at its highest, it's lower than before.

Musculature: No change from the last update.

Chest: No noticeable change.

Midsection: My stomach is getting better. It's kind of causing a panic in me.

Other Body Aspects: None that I can really think of, so none that really stick out a lot, I guess.

Height: No noticeable change.

Weight: No change. Still at around 140-145.

Waist: No noticeable change.

Skin: Beyond the acne, no noticeable change.

Period: I was due to have my period over a week ago, and I haven't gotten it so...HOPEFULLY it's gone forever!

Sex Drive: Through the roof. I keep thinking it can't get any worse...and then it does.

Energy: I've been incredibly exhausted and just...lackluster lately. It sucks. I desperately need more energy, but it seems like everything I do just makes me more tired.

Appetite: No change from the last update.

Mood: Typical. Nothing really that noticeable.

Other: Not anything that sticks out enough that I can think of it right away.

I'm still SUPER SUPER sensitive in the junk. Like...if I have to pee really bad, it feels like just the pressure from needing to pee could get me off. Just moving around in a chair is an ordeal, haha. But I'm not really complaining...

Week 3 on Testosterone

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 21:38:00 GMT

Dosage: 60mg every 30 days (subject to change) via intramuscular injection

Hair: I'm getting more, darker, hairs on my arms. But beyond that I haven't noticed anything.

Acne: Yes. It's definitely increasing. It may be purely due to T, or due to T making me get dirtier faster and needing to shower way more (which is, subsequently, hard for me to adjust to instantly), but nevertheless it's definitely increaing. Not too horribly, but still. I hope it doesn't get any worse.

Face: I had a moment earlier today where I thought my face looked a little more masculine, but I can't tell. We'll have to see what other people think when I make the video later.

Voice: I definitely have the ability to reach much lower tones and it's way deeper in the morning, but it doesn't naturally stick. But, again--this could just be my perception. I'll have to see if anything jumps out at me or anyone else in the video later.

Musculature: My muscles are definitely way more dense, and I've noticed my arms are looking more masculine. Not necessarily in the way of having more muscle, but just being put together in a more masculine fashion. It's also WAY easier to gain muscle mass.

Chest: No noticeable change.

Midsection: I feel like my gut's been getting bigger, but I only notice it when I have a food baby so it could just be the food babies.

Other Body Aspects: This sounds weird, but my body just...smells differently. I don't smell, like I bathe and I'm not a stinky person, it's just a different kind of smell, you know? I notice it most when I'm in class, thinking, with my hand on my face in a thinking position or whatever. My skin just smells differently.

Height: same

Weight: 143

Waist: 32"

Skin: No change other than what I mentioned above.

Period: N/A.

Sex Drive: Staying constantly insatiable.

Energy: No real change.

Appetite: My appetite has decreased somewhat, but not back to pre-T levels.

Mood: Way more depressed lately. Not sure what's up.

Other: Still feeling nauseous most of the time, but not as bad as before.

Stuff you may not care to read about: My dick isn't really any bigger (not as noticeable as before, at least). But I am SUPER SUPER SUPER sensitive in every area down there--even areas that you think wouldn't be. Just moving around in a chair has the potential to get me off. It's really weird. But I'm not complaining too much, to be honest.

Week 2 on Testosterone

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 18:02:03 GMT

Again, I know it hasn't been exactly two weeks, but again, since my weekday schedule is insane it's easier for me to do it now.

Dosage: 60mg every 30 days (subject to change) via intramuscular injection

Hair: No change.

Acne: No change compared to pre-T state, which means that it only flared up last week because of T inducing my period.

Face: No change.

Voice: No noticeable/lasting change. My throat is still scratchy a lot (not as much as the first week), and when I sing it does sound lower (or at least different), but it never sticks.My voice did crack once earlier in the week.

Musculature: No change.

Chest: No change.

Midsection: No change.

Other Body Aspects: No change(s).

Height: 5' 3"

Weight: 139

Waist: 32"

Skin: No change.

Period: N/A.

Sex Drive: Through the roof.

Energy: Not necessarily more energetic, just energetic and/or sleepy at their respective wrong times.

Appetite: No change from last week.

Mood: More mood swings/depression than is normal. But, again, I think it's a mixture of environmental influences and T, not just the T itself. I'm also way more stressed, but I think that's just because it's the first week of classes again. I am, however, more prone than normal to being irritated or angry.

Other: I've felt nauseous or on the verge of throwing up more often than not. It's really annoying and I hope it goes away.

Stuff you may not care to read about: Dick is still getting bigger.

Yup.

Cancer Can't Catch Me

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 01:33:43 GMT

It's interesting how the moment at which you realize you're ready to completely let go of someone is the moment at which they decide they can't let go of you.

I'm listening to the two most recent Thrice albums and trying to do homework, but my mind is scattered. Somehow Thrice is one of those bands that makes me truly feel like me. There's probably more I want to say...maybe later.

This Wasted Time on You has Left Me Shaking in Waiting for Something More

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 04:59:00 GMT

I've had such bad mood swings lately, that I'm crossing all of my fingers in hopes that they don't get worse. I find myself wanting to pick fights with people, or even saying things just to blatantly hurt them. I haven't been that way in years, and I don't want to be that way. So I'm trying to keep it in check. One way of that is ranting in a journal. So:

I'm going to try and tell this in the least confusing way possible, but it has a ridiculous amount of potential to become very, very confusing. So I'll do my best.

Tonight I was in a class, and I was talking to the person next to me. It's a 3 hour class, and this was about 2 hours in, so we had already been talking about random things back and forth. Tonight in class we had a panel of members of various GLBT-oriented organizations in the community come in and tell us about their partnership with the service-learning component of this class, and how they allocate their volunteers, etc. Anyway. As I was talking to the girl next to me, one of the panel members walked in and as soon as she saw who it was she turned to me and said, "Oh, I'm totally not working wherever she's* working. I've heard so much shit about her and have talked to her a few times and just can't stand her." (*this person actually uses gender-neutral pronouns--as I use to refer to them--but the girl next to me didn't know this)
I realized that it's my ex's new fuck, who I didn't like at all before they broke up my last relationship, and I really can't stand now. So I just started to laugh to the girl next to me after hearing what she said. She asked why I was laughing and I just said, "That's really funny that you say that, because I was thinking just about the same thing as you."
"REALLY?! Why?"
"Well, normally I hate to be the person that's all, 'wahh this person stole my girlfriend,' but they literally did..."
"WAIT. When did this happen?" she asked me.
"Uhm, around the end of October."
"OH MAN! Do you know J***?" she asked, referring to my ex's new fuck's ex.
"Well, not personally, but I know of her."
"I know her and I knew R*** (my ex's new fuck) a little bit. So, wait, I want to hear YOUR story of how it all happened, because I've heard other stories but I want to hear your side," she said.
"Ok, well basically out of the blue R*** walks into my relationship with my ex that was going really well, and tries to get in my girlfriend's pants. So my girlfriend asks me if I'd be okay with an open relationship--so she can date R*** too-- and even though it was really hard for me, I told her I'd be okay with that, you know? 'Cause I loved her and didn't want to lose her. And then she tells me, essentially, that she wanted me to tell her that I wouldn't be okay with an open relationship so she had an excuse to break up with me, but now that her plan backfired she's just going to break up with me anyway. Plus, the whole time, R*** was in the background basically telling her what to do to me, without blatantly ordering her I guess you'd say. So, yeah, normally I don't like being the person whining about having my girlfriend stolen from me, but that's pretty much what happened. I did nothing wrong and R*** stole my girlfriend."
"THAT'S INSANE! I pretty much heard the same thing from J***--that R*** wanted an open relationship with some girl, and then just abandoned J*** for no real reason."
"Yeah, I'm not that surprised. Plus I mean, even beyond what R*** did to me, which is HUGELY disrespectful, I just never liked them. They're totally just a pompous asshole that thinks they're better than everyone else, which sounds cliche, but it's kind of proved itself, you know?"
"Yeah, that's exactly how I felt the few times I talked to her*. Like she thinks she's better than you and...yeah, I just can't stand her. But I mean...that's insane. Small fucking world, right?!"

And, so, yeah. That's the conversation I had. But it's interesting how much it actually brought back into my mind and how much it affected me. I got angry all over again at the way I was walked on, and I felt hurt all over again. I mean...I'm over all of it, and when I look at the sum of all the parts I wouldn't go back to that because I'm so much happier now, but it still has the potential to get to me, apparently. And beyond everyone that my ex has ever done to me or anyone else, I still can see the good hiding in there and absolutely love her for the kind soul she has the potential to be--when the warmth and kindness in her does peek out every once in a while it's so heartwarming...it's just that I never heard her tell me she was sorry for what she did to me and how much she hurt me. And I never really realized that until tonight--that I just want her to tell me she's sorry, and mean it. I can get over everything and move on and be happy, but I don't know that the bitterness I still feel deep inside will ever dissipate until I hear an apology.

I don't feel bad about feeling bitter, either. A lot of times we're left to feel like getting over a relationship means we can't feel anything about it anymore, but that's not true. I don't feel bad about being bitter over the fact that I put so much love, time and energy into someone who completely threw it away for no real reason. I don't feel bad about being bitter that I was humiliated and I didn't deserve it. I don't feel bad about being bitter that I feel like I was lied to for so long. But the worst part of the bitterness is I wonder, sometimes, if an apology WOULD fix it all... because I know that if an apology couldn't fix it, the only way to get rid of that bitterness would be to completely remove my ex from my life. And I don't want that. I'm happy to say that we're both still close and good friends now, and to lose that would be a very, very sad loss for me. But I eventually want this bitterness to go away, too.

I guess the consolation I have is that I have great friends and am happier now than I've ever been in my life. And I talked to a friend about all of this earlier, and she told me that I need to remember that even though I do love my ex a great deal, I was also extremely unhappy with her. She made me feel worthless. She was constantly telling me things I should change to be "happier," but only following her definition of happiness. Essentially, she seemed, at times, to have no regard for what would make me happy. And I love her to death, but she just wasn't very good at loving me.

Beyond all of the personal aspects and how hurt I am about it on a personal level, it's just frustrating for me to think that anyone can be that heartless to another human being period, let ALONE to someone you say that you love and you know loves you back and would give the world to you if they could. Why do we treat other people like that? How can someone possibly go through their everyday life knowing that they've done something so heartless to someone else, and just act like it's no big deal? I don't get it. And it's so frustrating for me. It's one of those things that I KNOW about society, but knowing that it happens doesn't help that fact that it frustrates me to no end.

I don't know. Maybe I'm talking in circles...I probably am. But this was just all circulating through my head and I wanted to get it out. It's something I haven't thought about in quite some time, and if/when it does creep up again I want to continue to usher it back out of my mind as quickly as possible, because, with the way things are now, it really is a toxic thought process. People are shitty, and as long as I don't know what the cause is, there's not much I'm going to be able to do about it.

I'm off to bed. I need the weekend.

Soundtrack to 2008

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 07:03:37 GMT

Normally I don't think much about years passing, and I don't really make a big deal out of it. But it crossed my mind earlier today that my music tastes have changed such a dramatic amount in the past year that it's kind of amazing. So I scrolled through my iTunes and made a playlist of all of the songs that are sure to remind me of the year 2008. The range in music is pretty vast, as well as where they're coming from--whatever I heard on 99.7 while working in the middle of a weekend night at Plastics, whatever mix CDs Cheyenne and I exchanged over the months, whatever I found on the internet, the mix CDs I listened to on various road trips with my sister, or to Minneapolis for job interviews, or to various places in Wisconsin for graduation celebration travels. It's music I listened to during the summer I turned 21, realized I was trans, and made the most (and best) new friends I have in a long, long time. It's music that marks the first time I moved somewhere that took away most of the ache to be back in San Diego, and, overall, music that marks one of the shittiest years in my life--but also a year that, in its last month, dovetailed that shittiness into the most happiness and motivation to change I've ever felt in my life. The lyrics, melodies, and range of styles should convey all of that.

(in alphabetical order, not at all order of importance)
"About a Girl" - The Academy Is...
"LAX to O'Hare" - The Academy Is...
"The Despair Factor" - AFI
"Endlessly, She Said" - AFI
"Death of Seasons (live from Long Beach)" - AFI
"Totalimmortal (live from Long Beach)" - AFI
"Ether" - AFI
"Help Me" - Alkaline Trio
"I Found Away" - Alkaline Trio
"Ruin It" - Alkaline Trio
"Another Heart Calls" - The All-American Rejects
"Dear Maria, Count Me In" - All Time Low
"Coffee Shop Soundtrack" - All Time Low
"Breaking" - Anberlin
"Incomplete" - Backstreet Boys
"No One Understands" - Bayside
"Surrender" - Billy Talent
"Wake Up, Open the Door, and Escape to the Sea" - Blaqk Audio
"Stiff Kittens (Assemblage 23 remix)" - Blaqk Audio
"This is Not the End" - The Bravery
"Believe (Moon Version)" - The Bravery
"I'm Not Over" - Carolina Liar
"The Fad" - Chevelle
"Thick as Thieves" - Dashboard Confessional
"Screaming Infidelities" - Dashboard Confessional
"It's Not Over" - Daughtry
"Feels Like Tonight" - Daughtry
"Sinless City" - Dead Poetic
"Paralytic" - Dead Poetic
"November" - The Drama Club
"Memories" - Eisley
"Situations" - Escape the Fate
"My Immortal (Band Version)" - Evanescence
"(Coffee's for Closers)" - Fall Out Boy
"The Take Over, the Break's Over" - Fall Out Boy
"What it is to Burn" - Finch
"Handlebars" - Flobots
"Everlong" - Foo Fighters
"She Doesn't Get It" - the Format
"Better Than Me" - Hinder
"Don't Stop" - Innerpartysystem
"The Lovers Dancing" - Innerpartysystem
"I've Just Seen a Face" - Jim Sturgess (Across the Universe Soundtrack)
"Hot 'N Cold" - Katy Perry
"Walking on Air" - Kerli
"Lips Like Morphine" - Kill Hannah
"Bleeding Love" - Leona Lewis
"Better in Time" - Leona Lewis
"I Won't Trust Myself with You" - Linkin Park
"Numb" - Linkin Park
"Love Me Dead" - Ludo
"If You Wanted a Song Written About You, All You Had to do Was Ask" - Mayday Parade
"Miserable at Best" - Mayday Parade
"Walk on Water or Drown" - Mayday Parade
"You be the Anchor that Keeps My Feet on the Ground, I'll be the Wings that Keep Your Heart in the Clouds" - Mayday Parade
"Built to Last" - Melee
"Beat It" - Michael Jackson
"Saturday Night" - The Misfits
"Broken Heart" - Motion City Soundtrack
"This is How I Disappear" - My Chemical Romance
"I Don't Love You" - My Chemical Romance
"Boulders" - New Found Glory
"The Story So Far" - New Found Glory
"Apologize" - OneRepublic
"Stop and Stare" - OneRepublic
"Crushcrushcrush" - Paramore
"Fences" - Paramore
"Sleep, Everyone..." - Powerspace
"Time After Time" - Quietdrive
"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" - Relient K
"Where We Left Off" - Rocky Votolato
"Makers" - Rocky Votolato
"I Never Wanted To" - Saosin
"Faces" - Scary Kids Scaring Kids
"Fall for You" - Secondhand Serenade
"Rise Above This" - Seether
"All the Same" - Sick Puppies
"Anywhere but Here" - Sick Puppies
"World" - Sick Puppies
"The Last Night" - Skillet
"Duality" - Slipknot
"Highway 101" - Social Distortion
"I Was Wrong" - Social Distortion
"All Over You" - The Spill Canvas
"Island (Float Away)" - The Starting Line
"Wake Up" - Story of the Year
"The Jester" - Sum 41
"The Con" - Tegan and Sara
"Call It Off" - Tegan and Sara
"I Know, I Know, I Know" - Tegan and Sara
"Over and Over" - Three Days Grace
"Red Sky" - Thrice
"Where Did You Go?" - Valencia
"All At Once" - Valencia
"Free" - Valencia

Yep. That's about the gist of it.

Week 1 on Testosterone

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 00:09:36 GMT

Alright, week one on testosterone! I know, it's only technically been 5 days. But it works out better for me to do it now, so deal with it!

I made a list of categories that I think are most pertinent when on T, and I plan to stick to these unless I find one to be totally useless or find that I need one that's not on here. Here we go!

Dosage: 60mg every 30 days (subject to change) via intramuscular injection

Hair: No change.

Acne: Flared up a tiny bit. This could be due to the testosterone actually inducing my period, or because of the testosterone itself. It's hard to tell, but nonetheless it's not bad at all.

Face: No change.

Voice: No noticeable change. My throat has been scratchy 90% of the time for no real reason ever since getting my shot, and I suspect this is entirely because of the testosterone. I've never had this issue before.

Musculature: No change.

Chest: No change.

Midsection: No change.

Other Body Aspects: It seems that I've been sweating a lot easier, and I get/feel dirty faster. I've been showering more because of this.

Height: 5' 3"

Weight: 145

Waist: 32"

Skin: No change.

Period: Testosterone actually caused me to have a period. I know this because I have not been off schedule once since I was 17 or 18, and I got my period two weeks early--the day after I got my shot. Beyond that, it's been the most painful one I've had in a long time, so I can only suspect that this has to do with the testosterone.

Sex Drive: No change.

Energy: I haven't necessarily felt more energetic, but I have been way more restless than normal. Even when I should be tired, it's hard for me to sleep, and this isn't normal for me.

Appetite: Through the roof! I honestly know what people mean about teenage boys eating you out of house and home. I am glad I'm cognizant of it, though, because that makes it a lot easier to deal with and resist. But wow...I really hope it doesn't get any worse!

Mood: I've actually had more mood swings than I've been used to since getting my shot, but it's hard to say whether it's just psychological or because of the T. Friday night or so I had a REALLY quick, bad swing into an intense depression, but it was gone the next morning, and any other mood swing I've had hasn't been that intense or quick. Before starting T (for the past few months, anyway) I was pretty happy or in a good mood most of the time, and I'm finding myself getting irritated and down more often than I've been used to. Hopefully this pans out. That said, I've noticed that my happiness is happier, if that makes any sense. I feel more confident, more comfortable in my skin, and just plain happier. Even though there are mood swings that aren't usual, the happiness is definitely much higher than before, even though I thought I was very happy in the couple of months preceding going on T.

Other: I've been having random pains in random body parts ever since my shot, and they're very much akin to the growing pains I felt as a teenager. They're localized, strong, and it feels as though I'm growing again. I can only hope!

Stuff you may not care to read about: My dick has gotten bigger. That's the biggest change I've noticed, by far. And sexually, it just...smells different, if that makes any sense. And I've been showering more than I usually do lately, so it's odd.

Annnnnnnnd that's my story.

If you haven't yet, check out my latest video. It's got some great advice on how to deal with acne, how to bind a larger chest, STP/bathroom info, and--most exciting--info on how to get COMPLETELY FREE prescription coverage for your T prescriptions!

I'm off for the night to do some service for MLK day, and then it's back to class and craziness tomorrow.

Peace.