As soon as I entered school is when it started; I never made friends as well as everyone else because I was so unsure of myself because I was either (1) being made fun of for wanting to play with the boys or (2) withdrawn because I was never good at being a girl and I knew it and I knew everyone else knew it. So I had one best friend and that was pretty much it.
When puberty hit is when it all went to even further shit--my best friend moved away and I had no one, and worst of all I was turning into something I hated so fucking much that I made a point of self-injuring my chest every single day. I was made fun of every day for either being gay or wanting a sex change and I wanted to kill myself. I had no friends and I didn't know how to make any because the way I wanted to encounter the world wasn't the way I was allowed to. I resorted to online-only friendships because those people couldn't see the worst parts of me, and finally I felt accepted.
Through one online relationship, I decided to move out of my hell into California with Meghan, a mother who is 7 years older than me and was married at the time. I was 17, didn't understand the world, and was completely intoxicated with the idea of someone loving me unconditionally so we fell so in love that her marriage broke up, she came out as lesbian, and everything just got fucked up. I was still miserable in my body so much so that I couldn't handle working a regular job and I couldn't support myself. I moved back to Michigan, Meghan cheated on me and we broke up, and I was back in the shitter.
By now society had reached a point where it wasn't as big of a deal for a 19 year old girl to dress in boy's clothes and I didn't get blatantly made fun of anymore...but you know how being an adult is. You know everyone is talking shit, you just never blatantly hear it. So I was a little more successful, with a well-paying job, a 4.0 in college, and a few good friends...but I was still miserable.
Then I got into the u of mn and everything fell apart. I got fired from my job for that reason (seriously), I was cheated on by the only other girl I had opened up to, and I finally came to the realization that I wasn't just gay.
So I moved, got back together with Cheyenne, and fully came out. And over time I've gotten happier and healthier and blah fucking blah. And I've been INSANELY busy with 2 jobs and school, so even when Cheyenne cheated again it didn't really matter that we broke up because I had so much going on I could barely see straight, much less stop to think. I had friends through work...life was great.
And now everyone, including from my job (because it's a one year program) is moving away and I'm all alone and I'm beginning to feel like a total social loser.
I mean...I guess I like being by myself but I would love to feel like if something happened to me, someone would notice. Besides having a roommate (which doesn't count), I could go missing and no one would notice. No one would care. My family doesn't want me and I have no friends. I mean...I have friends, but only the ones that are friends to me out of pity. I always have to initiate every encounter we have. I would kill for the feeling of knowing that someone likes me enough to actively seek out my company all on their own.
It's all because I've spent my entire life with stunted social abilities because I was so preoccupied with my own self-hatred and desire to be the opposite of what everyone wanted to be, and because now I can't move past expecting people will always think so little of me that I just get awkward. Or...I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. I'm completely clueless and I'm angry because I feel like as a near 22 year old person I should have mastered social interactions by now...and I haven't.
I'm sick of being trans. I'm sick of knowing what that has meant for me, and what it continues to mean for me. I just want to be happy, and I feel like I'm chasing an imaginary dream. I suck at being a girl and (granted I know it's only been a year of even knowing I'm trans) I don't know how to be a boy, and I feel like I disqualify as a person for everything that I am.

I'm sick of feeling like I have nothing and no one to rant to other than a fucking url. I'm a PERSON and I want to feel like one. I want someone to hug me when they know I'm hurting or genuinely desire to be around me. I don't understand why everything has to be this way for me.

5 months. No huge changed to report other than I changed my dose back to 60mg every other week because it didn't change what we had hoped for and it was wasteful to use a needle and syringe every week for such a small amount.

I keep meaning to write something in here and get out all of this negative energy that I've been keeping pent up inside me but I'm so fucking busy it's ridiculous. At least it's the last week of school and I'll be free next week. I just want to be practically braindead with minimal responsibilities over the summer. After 5 years of nonstop full time school and work I feel like I deserve it.

4.5 Months.

Dosage: 30mg every week via intramuscular injection

Hair: Facial hair is there, but not nearly enough to do anything with, if you know what I mean. I’m also just getting hairier. It’s weird.

Acne: Relatively sucky. I got some medicine for it from the doc that’s been helping, but the acne comes where I’m about to get hair so there’s not much that’s going to keep it away until the facial hair comes in.

Face: Not sure. I can’t tell if it’s changed.

Voice: Super deep. Watch my latest video.

Musculature: DEFINITELY way more mucle capacity and definition, and they’re just more dense.

Chest: No noticeable change.

Midsection: Definitely getting a dad-gut. Not happy. :O

Other Body Aspects: No change(s).

Height: 5' 3"

Weight: 155—BAD!

Waist: 32"

Skin: No change from last time.

Period: Gone!

Sex Drive: Consistent. I’m used to it.

Energy: I’ve been really tired lately. I don’t like it.

Appetite: Back to normal, but I definitely feel as hungry as a teenage boy for like a day after I do my shot.

Mood: Incredibly more irritable and angry. I haven’t necessarily acted out on any of it towards other people but it’s definitely destructive to myself, if that makes sense.

Other: I’m putting on weight. I thought I was clear of that side effect since it didn’t happen for awhile, but I guess not. :( But I’ve already been working out more and such so whatever.

( Private Parts )

Yup.

It’s been awhile. Sorry!

Dosage: 60mg every 2 weeks (subject to change) via intramuscular injection

Hair: No loss of hair, but I’m getting more hair on my legs and arms and it’s darker and coarser. I also noticed some hair in the sideburn area today. Score!

Acne: It’s been sucky, but not horrible. Fairly controllable, and though it does suck a lot, it’s par for the course.

Face: Maybe minimal change, but I haven’t noticed anything too strong for a while.

Voice: Wayyyyyy deeper than the last update. Check out my videos!

Musculature: My muscles are definitely more dense, and I feel like I’ve been a little stronger, but it’s hard to quantify.

Chest: No noticeable change.

Midsection: No noticeable change.

Other Body Aspects: No change(s).

Height: 5' 3"

Weight: 145

Waist: 32"

Skin: Coarser, if that makes sense.

Period: N/A. I’m beginning to think it’s gone forever!

Sex Drive: Through the roof.

Energy: It’s been weird. I’ve been really tired a lot lately, but I’ve been sick so it’s hard to say if my energy levels have changed.

Appetite: It’s not nearly as bad as when I first started T, thank GOD.

Mood: Not as bad anymore, but I still have pretty significant and noticeable roid rage.

Other: Nothing that I can think of at the moment.

( Private Parts )

Yup.

Dosage: 60mg every 30 days (subject to change) via intramuscular injection

Hair: No change from the last update.

Acne: Not nearly as bad as last week. I have acne on my throat, though, which is weird.

Face: I can't notice any change.

Voice: Definitely continuing to get lower.

Musculature: No noticeable change.

Chest: I noticed the other day that I felt like my chest isn't as full as it was before. I can't tell if it's just me wanting it to be that way, though.

Midsection: Yeah, my stomach is still getting bigger. Not a HUGE amount, but... it's annoying.

Other Body Aspects: None that I can really think of, so none that really stick out a lot, I guess.

Height: No noticeable change.

Weight: No change. Still at around 140-145.

Waist: I feel like it fluctuates a lot, but I can't tell.

Skin: Beyond the acne, no noticeable change.

Period: Not returning, and hopefully it never will!

Sex Drive: Through the roof. I keep thinking it can't get any worse...and then it does.

Energy: I've been incredibly exhausted and just...lackluster lately. It sucks. I desperately need more energy, but it seems like everything I do just makes me more tired.

Appetite: I definitely feel like it's hitting a plateau, and/or I'm becoming more cognizant of it and therefore not letting it get to me.

Mood: No real big change.

Other: Now that my stomach is starting to gain all of the weight from other areas and my body fat is redistributing, I've decided to cut out the junk out of my diet. I'm a small guy, so I could get away with it before, but it just doesn't feel like it's a good idea anymore. So hopefully it helps.

Stuff you may not care to read about: ( Private Parts )

5 weeks. I know I didn't do a 4 week update, but I've been too busy. Plus there weren't really any major changes.

Dosage: 60mg every 30 days (subject to change) via intramuscular injection

Hair: No change from the last update.

Acne: Yes. It sucks.

Face: No change from the last update.

Voice: Definitely lower. It fluctuates throughout the day, but even at its highest, it's lower than before.

Musculature: No change from the last update.

Chest: No noticeable change.

Midsection: My stomach is getting better. It's kind of causing a panic in me.

Other Body Aspects: None that I can really think of, so none that really stick out a lot, I guess.

Height: No noticeable change.

Weight: No change. Still at around 140-145.

Waist: No noticeable change.

Skin: Beyond the acne, no noticeable change.

Period: I was due to have my period over a week ago, and I haven't gotten it so...HOPEFULLY it's gone forever!

Sex Drive: Through the roof. I keep thinking it can't get any worse...and then it does.

Energy: I've been incredibly exhausted and just...lackluster lately. It sucks. I desperately need more energy, but it seems like everything I do just makes me more tired.

Appetite: No change from the last update.

Mood: Typical. Nothing really that noticeable.

Other: Not anything that sticks out enough that I can think of it right away.

Again, I know it hasn't been exactly two weeks, but again, since my weekday schedule is insane it's easier for me to do it now.

Dosage: 60mg every 30 days (subject to change) via intramuscular injection

Hair: No change.

Acne: No change compared to pre-T state, which means that it only flared up last week because of T inducing my period.

Face: No change.

Voice: No noticeable/lasting change. My throat is still scratchy a lot (not as much as the first week), and when I sing it does sound lower (or at least different), but it never sticks.My voice did crack once earlier in the week.

Musculature: No change.

Chest: No change.

Midsection: No change.

Other Body Aspects: No change(s).

Height: 5' 3"

Weight: 139

Waist: 32"

Skin: No change.

Period: N/A.

Sex Drive: Through the roof.

Energy: Not necessarily more energetic, just energetic and/or sleepy at their respective wrong times.

Appetite: No change from last week.

Mood: More mood swings/depression than is normal. But, again, I think it's a mixture of environmental influences and T, not just the T itself. I'm also way more stressed, but I think that's just because it's the first week of classes again. I am, however, more prone than normal to being irritated or angry.

Other: I've felt nauseous or on the verge of throwing up more often than not. It's really annoying and I hope it goes away.

( Private Parts )

Yup.

It's interesting how the moment at which you realize you're ready to completely let go of someone is the moment at which they decide they can't let go of you.

I'm listening to the two most recent Thrice albums and trying to do homework, but my mind is scattered. Somehow Thrice is one of those bands that makes me truly feel like me. There's probably more I want to say...maybe later.

I've had such bad mood swings lately, that I'm crossing all of my fingers in hopes that they don't get worse. I find myself wanting to pick fights with people, or even saying things just to blatantly hurt them. I haven't been that way in years, and I don't want to be that way. So I'm trying to keep it in check. One way of that is ranting in a journal. So:

( here's a rant about an instance I had tonight where I was forced to re-live the circumstances of the ending of my last relationship. )
I'm off to bed. I need the weekend.

Normally I don't think much about years passing, and I don't really make a big deal out of it. But it crossed my mind earlier today that my music tastes have changed such a dramatic amount in the past year that it's kind of amazing. So I scrolled through my iTunes and made a playlist of all of the songs that are sure to remind me of the year 2008. The range in music is pretty vast, as well as where they're coming from--whatever I heard on 99.7 while working in the middle of a weekend night at Plastics, whatever mix CDs Cheyenne and I exchanged over the months, whatever I found on the internet, the mix CDs I listened to on various road trips with my sister, or to Minneapolis for job interviews, or to various places in Wisconsin for graduation celebration travels. It's music I listened to during the summer I turned 21, realized I was trans, and made the most (and best) new friends I have in a long, long time. It's music that marks the first time I moved somewhere that took away most of the ache to be back in San Diego, and, overall, music that marks one of the shittiest years in my life--but also a year that, in its last month, dovetailed that shittiness into the most happiness and motivation to change I've ever felt in my life. The lyrics, melodies, and range of styles should convey all of that.

(in alphabetical order, not at all order of importance)
"About a Girl" - The Academy Is...
"LAX to O'Hare" - The Academy Is...
"The Despair Factor" - AFI
"Endlessly, She Said" - AFI
"Death of Seasons (live from Long Beach)" - AFI
"Totalimmortal (live from Long Beach)" - AFI
"Ether" - AFI
"Help Me" - Alkaline Trio
"I Found Away" - Alkaline Trio
"Ruin It" - Alkaline Trio
"Another Heart Calls" - The All-American Rejects
"Dear Maria, Count Me In" - All Time Low
"Coffee Shop Soundtrack" - All Time Low
"Breaking" - Anberlin
"Incomplete" - Backstreet Boys
"No One Understands" - Bayside
"Surrender" - Billy Talent
"Wake Up, Open the Door, and Escape to the Sea" - Blaqk Audio
"Stiff Kittens (Assemblage 23 remix)" - Blaqk Audio
"This is Not the End" - The Bravery
"Believe (Moon Version)" - The Bravery
"I'm Not Over" - Carolina Liar
"The Fad" - Chevelle
"Thick as Thieves" - Dashboard Confessional
"Screaming Infidelities" - Dashboard Confessional
"It's Not Over" - Daughtry
"Feels Like Tonight" - Daughtry
"Sinless City" - Dead Poetic
"Paralytic" - Dead Poetic
"November" - The Drama Club
"Memories" - Eisley
"Situations" - Escape the Fate
"My Immortal (Band Version)" - Evanescence
"(Coffee's for Closers)" - Fall Out Boy
"The Take Over, the Break's Over" - Fall Out Boy
"What it is to Burn" - Finch
"Handlebars" - Flobots
"Everlong" - Foo Fighters
"She Doesn't Get It" - the Format
"Better Than Me" - Hinder
"Don't Stop" - Innerpartysystem
"The Lovers Dancing" - Innerpartysystem
"I've Just Seen a Face" - Jim Sturgess (Across the Universe Soundtrack)
"Hot 'N Cold" - Katy Perry
"Walking on Air" - Kerli
"Lips Like Morphine" - Kill Hannah
"Bleeding Love" - Leona Lewis
"Better in Time" - Leona Lewis
"I Won't Trust Myself with You" - Linkin Park
"Numb" - Linkin Park
"Love Me Dead" - Ludo
"If You Wanted a Song Written About You, All You Had to do Was Ask" - Mayday Parade
"Miserable at Best" - Mayday Parade
"Walk on Water or Drown" - Mayday Parade
"You be the Anchor that Keeps My Feet on the Ground, I'll be the Wings that Keep Your Heart in the Clouds" - Mayday Parade
"Built to Last" - Melee
"Beat It" - Michael Jackson
"Saturday Night" - The Misfits
"Broken Heart" - Motion City Soundtrack
"This is How I Disappear" - My Chemical Romance
"I Don't Love You" - My Chemical Romance
"Boulders" - New Found Glory
"The Story So Far" - New Found Glory
"Apologize" - OneRepublic
"Stop and Stare" - OneRepublic
"Crushcrushcrush" - Paramore
"Fences" - Paramore
"Sleep, Everyone..." - Powerspace
"Time After Time" - Quietdrive
"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" - Relient K
"Where We Left Off" - Rocky Votolato
"Makers" - Rocky Votolato
"I Never Wanted To" - Saosin
"Faces" - Scary Kids Scaring Kids
"Fall for You" - Secondhand Serenade
"Rise Above This" - Seether
"All the Same" - Sick Puppies
"Anywhere but Here" - Sick Puppies
"World" - Sick Puppies
"The Last Night" - Skillet
"Duality" - Slipknot
"Highway 101" - Social Distortion
"I Was Wrong" - Social Distortion
"All Over You" - The Spill Canvas
"Island (Float Away)" - The Starting Line
"Wake Up" - Story of the Year
"The Jester" - Sum 41
"The Con" - Tegan and Sara
"Call It Off" - Tegan and Sara
"I Know, I Know, I Know" - Tegan and Sara
"Over and Over" - Three Days Grace
"Red Sky" - Thrice
"Where Did You Go?" - Valencia
"All At Once" - Valencia
"Free" - Valencia

Yep. That's about the gist of it.

Alright, week one on testosterone! I know, it's only technically been 5 days. But it works out better for me to do it now, so deal with it!

I made a list of categories that I think are most pertinent when on T, and I plan to stick to these unless I find one to be totally useless or find that I need one that's not on here. Here we go!

Dosage: 60mg every 30 days (subject to change) via intramuscular injection

Hair: No change.

Acne: Flared up a tiny bit. This could be due to the testosterone actually inducing my period, or because of the testosterone itself. It's hard to tell, but nonetheless it's not bad at all.

Face: No change.

Voice: No noticeable change. My throat has been scratchy 90% of the time for no real reason ever since getting my shot, and I suspect this is entirely because of the testosterone. I've never had this issue before.

Musculature: No change.

Chest: No change.

Midsection: No change.

Other Body Aspects: It seems that I've been sweating a lot easier, and I get/feel dirty faster. I've been showering more because of this.

Height: 5' 3"

Weight: 145

Waist: 32"

Skin: No change.

Period: Testosterone actually caused me to have a period. I know this because I have not been off schedule once since I was 17 or 18, and I got my period two weeks early--the day after I got my shot. Beyond that, it's been the most painful one I've had in a long time, so I can only suspect that this has to do with the testosterone.

Sex Drive: No change.

Energy: I haven't necessarily felt more energetic, but I have been way more restless than normal. Even when I should be tired, it's hard for me to sleep, and this isn't normal for me.

Appetite: Through the roof! I honestly know what people mean about teenage boys eating you out of house and home. I am glad I'm cognizant of it, though, because that makes it a lot easier to deal with and resist. But wow...I really hope it doesn't get any worse!

Mood: I've actually had more mood swings than I've been used to since getting my shot, but it's hard to say whether it's just psychological or because of the T. Friday night or so I had a REALLY quick, bad swing into an intense depression, but it was gone the next morning, and any other mood swing I've had hasn't been that intense or quick. Before starting T (for the past few months, anyway) I was pretty happy or in a good mood most of the time, and I'm finding myself getting irritated and down more often than I've been used to. Hopefully this pans out. That said, I've noticed that my happiness is happier, if that makes any sense. I feel more confident, more comfortable in my skin, and just plain happier. Even though there are mood swings that aren't usual, the happiness is definitely much higher than before, even though I thought I was very happy in the couple of months preceding going on T.

Other: I've been having random pains in random body parts ever since my shot, and they're very much akin to the growing pains I felt as a teenager. They're localized, strong, and it feels as though I'm growing again. I can only hope!

( Changes some may not care to read about (i.e. my privates) )


Annnnnnnnd that's my story.

If you haven't yet, check out my latest video. It's got some great advice on how to deal with acne, how to bind a larger chest, STP/bathroom info, and--most exciting--info on how to get COMPLETELY FREE prescription coverage for your T prescriptions!

I'm off for the night to do some service for MLK day, and then it's back to class and craziness tomorrow.

Peace.

A note to the potential reader:
If you’re someone who sees me on a regular basis and/or is in my every day life and are reading this to educate yourself or WHATEVER your cause may be, chances are you’ll also learn a great deal from asking me questions directly. Too often topics that are as personal as this are seen as “not okay” to talk about, but trust me—if you’re not awkward about it, I’m not.
That said, this is also my venting place and I’m probably not going to be as censored here as I would be in a public setting. It’s not to make anyone uncomfortable or anything of that nature, but the fact of the matter is things happen to your body—EVERY part of it—when you’re on testosterone, and it’d be pointless to document anything if I’m going to leave major parts out. So, the point isn’t SHOCK AND AWE, and I will try to remember to maybe flag or section off parts of my writing that may contain information some may not want to read—especially if you know me in person.
My two intents in creating this blog are to (1) document what I’m going through for myself and (2) document what I’m going through for other transguys. Because the fact of the matter is I’d be lying if I said I didn’t heavily rely on internet articles and other internet things for my main sources of information. I want to contribute to helping someone feel a little less lost or alone.

Okay…first shot!
Clearly there aren’t any changes or anything to discuss, so I just want to re-hash the day, because FUCK was it intense.
Tuesday night into Wednesday morning I could NOT sleep at all because I was so nervous. I don’t even want to tread back into the blur area of how fast my mind was racing. And when I finally got up to get ready for the crazy day it didn’t subside, either. I headed into job #1 for a couple hours in the morning to get some work done that REALLY needs to get done, but I just couldn’t focus. I’d find myself pacing, or just sitting and staring into space. As my appointment time crept closer and closer it got worse and worse. Finally, right before the appointment I ate some lunch…and then threw it up shortly afterwards. If I’m completely honest with myself, the last time I was scared enough to throw up was the last time I was in a San Diego airport terminal. So it’s not a regular thing for me at all.
The waiting room was torture. I couldn’t stop fidgeting or moving in my chair. FINALLY when I got back into the room it subsided and I was all about business. We went through the ropes—physical, discussed other things regarding going on T, nothing too unusual. The doc wrote my prescription, and then I got two shots that they thought would be good after reviewing my bloodwork. Because testosterone increases your chance for cancer and increases the chance that your liver could get destroyed, they want to protect both of those parts of my body as much as possible, so I got my first Hepatitis A shot (I’ve had the B shots, but not A) and they gave me my first HPV shot. I wasn’t too thrilled to get shots…but we’ll get to that later.
I ran over to the pharmacy to drop off my prescription, and then had to drive as fast as I could over to St. Paul to get to work (at job #2). So I didn’t actually get the first shot at the clinic because I didn’t have my scrip—I’d have to wait till later. I wasn’t expecting that, and the panic returned on the drive over to work. Luckily I had enough to do at work to not think about it anymore…but that was only for about 2 hours.
At work I started realizing that I wasn’t too confident in my shot-giving skills. I had gotten a REALLY brief overview from the nurse (who seemed kind of confused herself that day) and I’ve just…seen too many episodes of Dr. G: Medical Examiner to not be paranoid that I’m going to make some minute mistake and kill myself, you know? I’ve always had a pretty significant fear of shots. Not the needles, like most, but the shots. So it’s something I’m going to have to get over, but after already having 2 shots that day (and, with my luck, she of course push the needle and fluid in reaaaaaalllllly slowly) I didn’t feel very confident in doing my own. So I texted a friend of mine who’s been helping out at a shot clinic to see if she knew anything that could help me. We talked later, and she just totally offered to come over later and help me with it, which was a huge surprise and a huge relief.
After work, I scrambled back to uptown Minneapolis to pick up my prescription (which was HELL in rush hour), and then headed back home. I had about 2 hours to wait until I could pick my friend up and she’d help me with it, so I tried to distract myself as much as possible.
The mental shit kind of hit the fan when I left to pick her up, though. I get really almost ridiculous when you get the right combination of fear, anxiety, and FUCKING COLD WEATHER in me—as I was driving, my ENTIRE body was shaking and I was just so fucking scared I felt like I was going to cry. I didn’t, though. I picked her up, we headed back to her place (so she could get some different needles for drawing the T out of the bottle), and then back to mine. Another reason I’m so thankful she helped—apparently, for a first timer, it would’ve been near impossible to get the T out of the bottle with the needles I have because the needles I have are more for injecting. The more you know!
Probably the biggest relief was hearing the words “Do you want me to do it for you?” I’m surprised I didn’t SCREAM yes. It’s kind of odd…here I am with tons of tattoos and a significant history of piercings, and I’m practically pissing my pants over a shot. But, again, it’s the shot, not the needle, that gets me worried.
She did SUCH a better job of explaining everything to me. I don’t know, maybe it’s just because she knows me way better than some random nurse so she knows how to explain things to me, but she just did a way better job and it definitely took the anxiety out of it for me. But the best part was when she injected it, because she didn’t fuck around—she stabbed me with that bitch. If I’m going to get a shot, I fucking HATE when people push the shit in slowly and/or move the needle around because they can’t keep their damn hands steady. She just stuck it right in with no hesitation, pulled back to make sure there wasn’t any blood, and injected it and I didn’t feel a thing other than the initial prick of the needle. She’s definitely better than any medical person that’s ever given me a shot, and I’m really not just saying it.
She showed me some other stuff about the needles and basically went through every step with me—she told me SO much that none of the other people did. And she offered herself up to do my shots for me if I can’t bring myself to get the guts to do it myself. Plus, just how nonchalant she was about it really helped my anxiety. I’m really glad and really thankful.
And here I am. Still kind of scared of what’s to come, but so happy, and I feel like I’m in such a surreal state. And my fear is more combined with motivation to make the best of this, than just fear itself.
That was my day. I’m off to bed now...ready to feel like I can wake up a different person.